Sunday, November 10, 2013

The Pro-Beard Movement

The pro-beard movement has been around a lot longer than Red Sox spring training. From the earliest days of Christianity and before, beards have flourished on the faces of men.

Being pro-beard accords with nature since hair, unless in some way hindered, naturally grows on a man's face. From the earliest days of a man's life, his face is already beginning to grow protective follicles. This is evidenced by the significant amount of fuzz on my one year old son's upper lip. As a man progresses to puberty, his face is ready for the full emanation of his whiskers. These should be allowed to grow freely for the duration of a man's life and not suffer a horrible fate by means of the keen edge of a razor. We should be pro-beard from womb to tomb!

There has been much talk about a "man's right to choose". As you might have guessed, I am of the position that the euphemism of being "pro-choice" should be abandoned. Everyone knows that "pro-shavers" are hiding behind the "pro-choice" label in order to make their atrocious stance more palatable to the general public. Why, you ask, is the shaving lobby pushing beardlessness as a "men's rights" issue? Money. It always comes down to money. The shaving lobby makes millions of dollars each year on shaving supplies, from razors, aftershave gel, and shaving cream to carrying cases for your razor, gel, and shaving cream, to everything in between. They pour thousands into advertisements that claim that women love men with faces of boys, when everyone knows that a bearded face is scientifically more attractive to women.

Why are we willing to expose men to the nicks and cuts of this outrageous practice of shaving? Hasn't anyone ever heard of Sweeney Todd?

I want shaving to be safe, legal, and rare.
Yes, Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street. How can you doubt the Satanic influence of shaving with people around such as the Demon Barber?! It is said that Satan once had a beard, but shaved it off in rebellion after seeing that Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, had a marvelous beard.

While we are in the midst of what the culture calls "No-shave November", which we who have "grow[n] out the beard of truth" (Ephesians 6:17) just simply call "November", let us reaffirm our commitment to being pro-beard.

"No-shave November"? That's cute.

The strength and morality of a culture can be determined by the amount of facial hair prevalent in society at any given time. The Romans were known for their shaven faces and their empire fell. Coincidence? Hardly. Let us be boldly pro-beard, affirming a culture of beards while praying that we don't end up like the Romans.

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